Moral of the Story: Don't Trust a 3 year old!

*DISCLAIMER: If you are not a parent or if you are squeamish about personal hygiene details, STOP READING HERE!*
















So you decided to keep reading, well, continue at your own risk!









Mistake #1: Eating McDonalds last night after we were done sailing.

Why was this a mistake? I have been following Weight Watchers for over 4 weeks now, so my body is no longer used to fast food. Eating those 5 chicken nuggets and 2 french fries did a number on my digestive system.

Mistake #2: Not checking to see how much toilet paper was on the roll before sitting down.

I am sure we have all done this before. If you are lucky, you will have a box of tissues on the back of your toilet to rescue yourself in such a situation. I was not that lucky.

Mistake #3: Thinking to myself, Christian (my 3 1/2 year old) could get me some toilet paper from the bag in the hall upstairs.

It was in plain view. It was easy to find. I thought this would be a simple process. This was my biggest mistake!


So here I was, stranded in my 1/2 bath downstairs with only the 3 1/2 year old to help me. And the following is the dialog that ensued.

Me: Christian...can you go upstairs and get Mommy a roll of toilet paper from the hall?

Christian: Of Course!

**Little footsteps climbing the stairs.**

Christian: I got you toilet paper Mommy!

**Little footsteps coming down the stairs**

Christian: Here Mommy!

**Hands me a very small handful of toilet paper...clearly not enough to help me much**

Me: Thanks Christian!

Christian: You're welcome!

Me: But Mommy needs a WHOLE ROLL of toilet paper. (Knowing that he is very likely to bring me a very small amount again)

Christian: Okay!

**2 minutes of silence**

Me: Christian?

Christian: WHAT?

Me: Are you getting Mommy the toilet paper?

Christian: I AM!

**2 minutes of silence**

Me: Christian?

Christian: WHAT?

Me: Get Mommy the toilet paper, Please!

Christian: I AM!

**2 minutes of silence**

Me: Christian?

Christian: WHAT?

Me: Get Mommy the toilet paper NOW PLEASE!

Christian: I AM!

**2 minutes of silence**

Me: Christian?!?

Christian: WHAT?

Me: What are you doing?!?!

Christian: Watching Team Umizoomi.

Me: Please go get Mommy a roll of toilet paper Now!!

Christian: O-K-A-Y!!! (in a very exasperated tone!)

**1 minute of silence**

Me: CHRISTIAN!!

Christian: WHAT?!?!

Me: Do you want a time out?

Christian: NO!

Me: Then, PLEASE, go get Mommy a roll of toilet paper!

Christian: O-K-A-Y!!! (in the same exasperated tone!)

**Little footsteps climbing the stairs**

**Little footsteps coming down the stairs**

Christian: Here Mommy....I got you toilet paper.

**Hands me a tiny corner of a square of toilet paper...almost microscopic!**

Me (as patiently as I can at this point, although my legs are DEFINITELY asleep now!): Christian...that isn't enough for Mommy. Can you please get me a whole roll of toilet paper? (I even show him the empty roll so that he can get the idea of what I am wanting.)

Christian: Of Course!

**Little Footsteps climbing the stairs**

At this point, I think that we have finally made progress and I will be rescued from my porcelain prison!

**2 minutes of silence**

Me: Christian?

Christian (in a very distant voice): WHAT?

Me: Are you bringing Mommy a roll of toilet paper?

Christian (in the same distant voice): WHAT?!?! (very confused sounding...apparently he got distracted by a toy upstairs and completely forgot why I sent him up there.)

Me: Bring Mommy a roll of toilet paper from the bag in the hallway PLEASE!

Christian: Okay!

**2 minutes of silence**

Me: Christian?!? (losing patience now as my legs are completely asleep, my bottom is freezing cold and I really want to get out of this situation)

Christian: What?!?

Me: Are you bringing me the toilet paper?

Christian: Yeah!

**1 minute of silence** (My patience is wearing very thin, so my responses are getting closer and closer together!)

Me: CHRISTIAN!!!!

Christian: WHAT!?!?!

Me: BRING ME THE TOILET PAPER NOW!!!!

Christian: O-K-A-Y!!! (very exasperated. I apparently am disturbing him at this point!)

**Little footsteps coming back down the stairs**

This time, he brings me 1 square of toilet paper. I attempt to use this 1 solitary sheet to rescue me, but it just isn't enough. Christian in the meantime, has left me in the powder room and gone back to the living room.

Me: Christian? (using a more polite voice)

Christian: What?

Me: Can you please go get Mommy the whole bag of toilet paper?

Christian: In just a minute.

Me: What are you doing?

Christian: Playing Wii Fit Plus!

Me: STOP PLAYING GAMES AND GO GET ME THE TOILET PAPER!!!

Christian: When I'm finished!!

(Seriously contemplating losing my cool at this point...but I choose not to, knowing that if I alienate my 1 ally in this situation, I am not going to be happy!)

Me: Christian (actual PLEADING in my voice now)...can you please bring me the bag of toilet paper? My bottom is starting to hurt!

Christian: Okay.

**Little footsteps climbing the stairs**

**1 minute of silence**

Me: Christian?

**No response**

Me: Christian?

**No response**

I lean forward as much as I can and push the door open (because of course he had to close it on me the last time he left.)

Me: Christian?

**No response**

I am starting to think that he is no longer my ally, but my enemy. I think he is enjoying my captivity and secretly laughing that I am under his control now!

Having listened to me yelling from the bathroom for the past 2 minutes, PJ, my cat, gets curious and comes in. He could care less that I am stranded in the bathroom, he just wants attention. I use him as a distraction to my predicament and pet him like he wants.

After waiting for 2 minutes, I call out again.

Me: Christian?

Christian (distant, muffled sound): Wha?

Me: Are you bringing me the bag of toilet paper from the hall?

Christian (closer, but still muffled sound): Ohay.

Trying to figure out why his words are so muffled, I can only figure that he had gotten a snack from somewhere in Ian's bedroom. I remembered seeing a single bag of goldfish in there yesterday. Apparently, my situation wasn't so desperate to him that taking time for a snack was fine.

Me: PLEASE BRING MOMMY THE TOILET PAPER!!

Christian (voice restored to previous level): O-K-A-Y! (in that same exasperated voice!)

I am now leaning over as far as I can to peer out the door, hoping that my toddling savior would be showing his little face soon.

PJ, the cat, decided that my flat back would be a lovely place to lay down right about now. So now I am stuck, leaning over with my belly flat on my thighs and a cat on my back, purring happily.

Me: CHRISTIAN!

Christian: WHAT?!?

Me: Bring me the bag of toilet paper.

**Sound of the toilet lid upstairs going up**

**1 minute of silence**

**Sound of the toilet lid going down and the toilet flushing upstairs**

Christian: Mommy...I went pee-pee!

Me: That's Great! Now bring me the bag of toilet paper.

Christian: What?!? (in the same confused voice)

Me: Bring...Mommy...the...bag...of...toilet...paper!

Christian: Okay!! (exasperated voice)

**Little footsteps coming down the stairs**

Christian: I got you the toilet paper.

Me: Did you bring the bag of toilet paper?

Christian: YEAH!

PJ, mercifully, has moved off my back and into the sink basin and is now laying there staring at me as I am patiently waiting my release.

Christian appears at the bathroom door, with a handful of toilet paper.

Me: That isn't the bag, but it will do!

Christian: I want a grape! (He gets a grape when he goes pee-pee in the potty.)

I free myself from my porcelain prison, flush, wash my hand and legs fully asleep now, hobble my way into the kitchen to get him a grape.

**10 minutes later**

Christian (from the 1/2 bath): Mommy, I went pee-pee. I need the toilet paper!

Me: In a minute!

Laughing silently to myself...I think about the fact that he left me sitting there for over 40 minutes and then go upstairs to get him a roll of toilet paper.

So the moral of this story....Don't Trust a 3 year old!